“A ship is safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships are built for.”
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Monthly Archives: October 2013
Dealing with Grief (Part 1)
Lately there have been a few random experiences/interactions that have got me thinking about my mother–or more specifically, the drawn out emotional roller coaster that ultimately ended in her passing away. Yes, it’s been 4+ years. But I think even I was afraid to admit how truly tragic and heartbreaking the whole thing was–I don’t know that my head or heart or soul was ready to process it all.
I’ve recently realized that this, combined with not ever really “dealing” with the grief has led to a completely unintended (but wholly understandable) consequence: I am an eternal pessimist. Without fully processing what happened to my mom (and in turn, what happened to me), I made it into something reasonable, something common, something that could happen again at any time. Thus, the pessimist’s mantra: the worst is yet to come. I have to think this way–it’s the only way to even remotely prepare for the pain and suffering that lies ahead. But yesterday I had a wonderful, freeing thought:
I have already gone through the hardest thing I will ever have to experience in my life.
The story I have told myself about the future heartache I will encounter is a lie. Now, I can add all kinds of qualifiers to that statement (hopefully/probably/likely/reasonably). But here’s the thing–the reason I’ve been afraid to admit that to myself is because it feels like I’m asking for it. Asking for the universe to say “hard? You ain’t seen nothin’ yet.” (In fact, part of how I “got over” my grief was by reading stories of people who had it ten times worse. It may sound depressing as hell, but it helped. My mom died? Oh. So did that African child soldier’s mom. As well as everyone in his village. Morbid, I know). But I feel like that fear has trapped me; held me to always assume that the next hardest thing is just around the corner. This has manifested itself in small and big ways, most notably always assuming the absolute worst will happen in a given goodnews-badnews situation, but also developing a series of unreasonable fears or anxieties. I’m scared of riding in cars when I’m not the driver (always assuming that the person next-to/in front of-behind us is drunk or texting or asleep and is going to hit us). I tend to believe my plane might crash, tiny cuts or bumps on the dogs are deadly, or that every phone call from a 509 area code will be news that my father has passed. I can’t even imagine the crazy that might ensue when I have kids. It’s exhausting.
In this state of constant vigil, always being prepared for the worst, I’ve stopped enjoying the best. I fear that I have let my mother’s death break me–or at the very least, change me in a way she never would have wanted.
And that’s not ok. My mom’s reach and ability to guide and change me did not end with her death, and I can’t let this be the last lesson she gives me. I think that in order to take the first step, I need to give myself some credit. I need to acknowledge that I went through a really hard/heart-braking/tragic/SHITTY thing, and that it’s ok to be sad about it. It’s ok to grieve. And it’s also ok to reasonably expect that I will not have to go through something like that again (but know that if for some unfathomable reason I do, I can make it through). I think the first step in that is sharing what happened. I need to put it out there in the universe and not feel like I’m whining or complaining but rather that I’m simply saying and accepting what I went through as my mother was dying, and what I went through after she ultimately passed. I need to accept sympathy and I need validation that yes, it was indeed hard/heart-braking/tragic/SHITTY and all of the other hard/heart-braking/tragic/SHITTY things in the world don’t take away from that. They can all be hard/heart-braking/tragic/SHITTY–there’s enough of it to go around.
But then I need to acknowledge that the I dealt with it the best way I could, and that I did a fine job taking care of myself and my family in the aftermath. I did as well as anyone could have expected, and I need to let go of some guilt there. I need to forgive myself for the feelings and thoughts and actions that I’ve been holding over myself since March 18th, 2009.
Then I need to change the script in my head (though at this point I can’t really imagine that step–I’m hoping 1 + 2 will make it easier to envision.)
It’s been long enough that I’ve let this grief monster hold on to me. My mom loved me with all she had, and while she wasn’t perfect, she was the best mom she knew how to be. She raised me to be a competent, passionate, hard working lady, and I know that the way I’ve processed all of this isn’t doing justice to her. Her death was a chapter in my life–an important one that affects the plot in a deep way–but it shouldn’t dictate the ending.
That’s for me to write.
Words of Love
I’m a big fan of quotes. “Words of Wisdom” as they are called. But that’s not what this post is about. It’s about words of love–self-love to be exact. Isn’t it funny how a perfect stranger, living a completely different life that will never cross with mine, can write something so compelling/inspiring/accurate/concise that perfectly sums up everything I feel and want and need?
Without getting all spiritual-y, it’s kind of a testament to the interrelatedness of us all, yeah?
So I was not at all surprised when Hannah Brencher posted this beautiful essay, “I’m not gonna tell you that you’re beautiful” and I found so many sections spoke to me. Here are just the highlights:
I’m just going to tell you that you’re kind of strange. You’re kind of quirky in the sense that no one ever fully understands the person that you are so you carry it like a secret between your smirked lips. Yes, you’ve been waiting for a moment to prove people wrong. I cannot wait to see that day.
Struggles are going to make you a fighter. Where I come from, we kiss the dirty ground for struggles. They are going to make your story that much resilient. You’re not going to survive them, you are going to absolutely obliterate them.
I’m not gonna tell you you’re dainty, and fragile, and a flower in the field. I’m not gonna turn you into a delicate line of poetry when you were born with so much feist & zeal & madness inside of you. How dare the world not tell you, right from the start, that you are some kind of warrior.
Darling, you’re adequate. While dancing. While speaking. While ugly crying. While spitting game. While struggling. While fighting. While laughing like a lunatic. While singing Taylor Swift at the top of your lungs. While slamming the door and walking away. In every little crook of you stands some sort of adequacy that the world would do anything to keep you unconvinced of.
I’m not gonna let you be the world’s largest living & breathing apology. I’m not gonna let you say “sorry” any longer– as if “sorry” were your second language– for things no human should ever have to apologize for. Say sorry when you’ve hurt someone. Say sorry when you’ve really misplaced your words and actions. But stop saying sorry for standing there and showing up to life everyday. You’re not an apology letter, you’re a thank-you note just waiting to happen.
The whole essay is wonderful, and a much, much needed reminder that sadly, there are a lot of people out there who wish to tear us down, if for no other reason than they have to, to make themselves feel bigger. That’s fine; I can accept others’ need to find “self”confidence and “self” worth making others feel small and insignificant (if you’ve got nowhere else to look for it, then so be it). I just don’t have to sit around and enable them with my life, my experiences, my worth.
Weekly Priorities
Every Monday morning I spend the first 45-60 minutes of my work week drafting out my weekly priorities. Since I work in a remote environment, this is my way of communicating to my manager what my major projects are, where I will need her support, and what (in general) are my major deadlines/areas of focus for each day. While I used to hate doing this, I oddly now look forward to this time each week. It is my dedicated space to just sit, think through my week, and envision what “success” looks like.
It got me thinking: it might be a fun thing to try out in my personal life as well! A chance for me to think through the week, and identify opportunities to live up to my best self. So, let’s try it out!
Reconnect with Family:
Scott’s mom is coming in to town this week (YAY!) and will be staying with us one night. We are also heading down to the farm to hang out with grandma and the gang–we’re going to bring our wedding album to show her! I’ve come to really enjoy these visits and trips to the farm, and have been embracing the fact that I have new family members now. Can’t wait!
Caring for Friends:
I’ve got a couple of friends right now that are either going through some hard or not-so-fun times. We’ve also got friends going through incredibly HAPPY times! Whatever it is, I want to commit part of this week to spending time showing those people how much they mean to me (and Scott) and that we are here to support them.
Making our house a home:
When I realized we weren’t going to be buying for another 6 months, I kind of just gave up on our space. Especially since you don’t know how furniture or decor is going to look in a new place, it didn’t seem worth investing time/energy into projects. However, I definitely miss having something to work on–the process of creating is fun for me, and if I get something really cute in the end.. well, double bonus! And so I want to spend some time making fun decor that I know will fit into a VARIETY of spaces in our new place: think little pieces of art for a gallery wall or even to go in the office, in the meantime. I think this will be an inexpensive way to get back in to my creative side, spruce up our place on the cheap, and fill our home with fun new energy.
Loving my husband:
Last week was a tough work week for me, and Scott stepped up in SO many ways. It was his way of intentionally loving me: by creating a space where I could just come home and relax. This man knows my love language and spoke it non-stop. I want to make sure that I spend this week speaking his, and begin to look for small routine ways to ensure my man knows that I adore him.
Working Out:
It’s time to get back in to the gym, seriously. I think I’ve always held such extreme views on working out, and it’s led to yo-yo workout streaks. I want to begin to get back to the gym and make it an enjoyable experience. This means going at a convenient time of day, bringing Scott with me, and spending time slowly making this a fun part of my day/week.
Alright–that may seem like a lot, but I know it can all get done. Each area actually involves fairly little (but important!) action, and these types of priorities don’t feel like extra WORK–they are the things that bring me joy and happiness and in the end, help me to relax. I’ll check back in next Monday to see how things go! 🙂
The Ocean in a Drop 